5 Common Myths About Couples Therapy

Couples often delay seeking support while hoping recurring concerns will resolve on their own. There is no universal timetable for when to begin, but earlier conversations may provide more room to understand patterns before they become more entrenched.

People may also hesitate because they are unsure what couples therapy involves or whether it fits their situation. The following common beliefs deserve a more careful look.

Myth 1: “Couples therapy is where you go to break up nicely.”

This is perhaps the most persistent myth. Many people believe couples therapy is effectively a mediated ending — a place to have difficult conversations with a referee before separating.

Couples therapy can support different goals, including understanding recurring patterns, improving communication, considering repair, or navigating separation more deliberately. Research findings vary by approach, population, study design, therapist factors, participation, and how improvement is defined; a percentage from one study cannot predict an individual couple's outcome.

Good couples work should clarify goals, assess whether conjoint sessions are appropriate, and review progress without promising reconciliation or a particular result.

Myth 2: “Both people have to want to go.”

Not always. Individual therapy can help one partner examine their own responses, boundaries, communication, and choices. It is not a substitute for conjoint couples therapy, and one person cannot guarantee change from the other partner or from the relationship as a whole.

A reluctant partner may or may not decide to participate. Before conjoint work begins, both people should understand the proposed format, goals, confidentiality policy, risks, alternatives, and their freedom to ask questions.

Myth 3: “The therapist will take sides.”

Couples therapy often examines interaction patterns and the relationship system while also attending to each person's experience, accountability, goals, and safety. The therapist should explain the approach and avoid assuming that every concern is equally shared.

This doesn't mean everything is always equally distributed. Sometimes one partner's behaviour is clearly more damaging to the relationship. A good therapist can name this directly while maintaining a working alliance with both people — this is part of the skill of couples work.

A therapist should maintain professional boundaries and assess whether conjoint work is appropriate, particularly where coercion, violence, fear, or significant power imbalances may be present.

Myth 4: “You only go when things are really bad.”

Couples do not have to wait for a crisis to ask for support. Recurring criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, unresolved injuries, or difficulty repairing conflict may be reasons to discuss whether counselling could be useful.

Beginning earlier does not guarantee a better outcome, but it can create an opportunity to clarify concerns, goals, safety, and options before patterns become more established.

Myth 5: “Talking about problems just makes them worse.”

Repeating the same argument without a workable change in the interaction may leave both people feeling stuck. In therapy, a clinician may help slow the conversation, identify patterns, clarify meaning, practise skills, and assess what each person needs. The experience and outcome vary.

The goal of EFT, for example, is not to resolve every conflict but to change the emotional bond underlying the conflict — to help partners feel safer with each other, so that the conflicts become less charged and more navigable.

Andrew Garnet MSW, RSW

Registered Social Worker with 18 years of experience in Scarborough, Ontario. Andrew's practice focuses on trauma therapy, EMDR, men's mental health, and support for first responders and veterans. Full bio →